Before You Begin that Blind Date set up...

Oh dear. There she is. The complimentary grandma you’ll find at most church functions. Here she comes and I just know what is to follow. Compliments that were not included in the Christmas party package deal, but you get them anyways.
I wanted to beat her to it, covering my face with my hands and pop out,

“Why you’re just about as cute as my living room wall chatter! Why aren’t you
snatched up yet?!”

She’s gonna say things that I don’t know what to say back too. I can hardly stand the awkwardness of it. Does she really want me to say my ideas on my most current issues?
And in moment of panic I can’t even remember what those issues are? Quick, I need an explanation. An excuse. I’m left with one dignified option. Which is to pick from the list of generic responses like,

”Oh, I just don’t know.”(while raising the corner of your mouth and making the
click sound.) Or, “Yup, I’m just a heart breaker.”

'Hint – you do not want your grandson to date me.'
This is the time that I wish my domestic homemaker vibe was not so easy to see. I guess I AM wearing a cardigan though. Darn.

But before she begins the blind date set up, I want to tell her my theme song. It goes like this:

“Hard Hearted Hannah, she came from Savannah G. A.
She pourin water on a drowning man,
Oh that hard hearted Hannah….
Got a heart just like a stone
Even nice men leave her alone

Talk about your refrigerating Mamas
Brotha she's a polar bear's pajamas "

My Grandpa Conley used to sing this song to me when I was just little.



And it was probably appropriate because my favorite movie when I was FIVE was Taming of the Shrew.
I’m not sure that’s something you grow out of. I still love all characters resembling the shrew, such as Beatrice from Much Ado about Nothing.



MAYBE that’s it. My explanation to the complimentary grandma. A shrew cannot be tamed by your overzealous BYU boy.

“Would this happen to be him?”

“Oh you already know him?!”


“Just a lucky guess.”

Now really. Can you see this guy throwing a shrew over his shoulder?

I love my song, Grandpa Conley.

(Make Sure your volume's on)

In old Savannah
I said Savannah
The weather there is nice and warm
The climate's of a southern brand
But here's what I don't understand
They've got a gal there
A pretty gal there
Who's colder than an artic storm
Got a heart just like a stone
Even nice men leave her alone

They call her "hard hearted Hannah"
The vamp of Savannah
The meanest gal in town
Leather is tough, but Hannah's heart is tougher
She's a gal who loves to see men suffer
To tease them and thrill 'em
To torture and kill 'em
Is her delight they say
I saw her at the seashore with a great big pan
There was Hannah pourin' water on a drownin' man
She's hard hearted Hannah
The vamp of Savannah, G-A
The call her "hard hearted Hannah"
The vamp of Savannah
The meanest gal in town
Talk of your cold, refridgerating mamas
Brotha she's a polar bear's pajamas

An evening spent with Hannah sitting on your knees
Is like travelin' through Alaska in your BVDs
She's hard hearted Hannah
The vamp of Savannah, G-A
Can you imagine a woman as cold as Hannah?
She's got the right name "the vamp of Savannah"
Anytime a woman can take a great big pan
Start pourin' water on a drownin' man
She's hard hearted Hannah
The vamp of Savannah, G-A
Ooh! She's sweet as sour milk.